Coping with miscarriage

Updated April 2024 | 6 min read

Losing a baby is heartbreaking. Here’s some important information about coping with miscarriage to support you on this difficult journey and where to get help. 

The first few months of being pregnant can be an exciting, emotional, challenging and almost dizzying time. But mixed in with the joy is often the underlying fear that something could go wrong. 

Miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy in the first 20 weeks of gestation. According to the Royal Women's Hospital and Miscarriage Australia, in Australia, up to one in five confirmed pregnancies ends in miscarriage, affecting over 100,000 couples every year. The actual rate of miscarriage is even higher because some women have very early miscarriages without ever realising they were pregnant. 

While common, losing a baby can be an emotionally painful experience – and perhaps because of this, the subject of miscarriage remains largely taboo. This silence can make it even harder to deal with. 

What is a miscarriage?

A miscarriage occurs when an embryo or foetus stops growing. Eventually, the pregnancy tissue from the womb will pass out of the body. Some women will experience cramps and period-like pain when this happens, and in many cases, there will be vaginal bleeding. The majority of miscarriages occur in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy.  

Types of miscarriage

Rachel Bromley was 13 weeks into her first pregnancy when she miscarried. She’d told family and friends she was pregnant, feeling comfortable to do so after a 10-week scan had shown no abnormalities.

“I had what’s known as a ‘missed miscarriage’, meaning that I had no physical signs of miscarriage,” she says. “It wasn’t until I went for a scan at 13 weeks that there was no longer the heartbeat that had been there weeks earlier.”

Missed miscarriages occur where the foetus dies but remains in the uterus. They usually happen without any symptoms, which can make it even harder to deal with when the miscarriage is discovered, usually at a check-up or scan. It can be tough to accept what’s happened, especially if you’re still experiencing pregnancy symptoms.

Miscarriage Australia explains that there are several other types of miscarriage — threatened, inevitable, complete or incomplete. Other types of pregnancy loss include an ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy and a blighted ovum.

When your body is showing possible signs of a miscarriage, this is known as a 'threatened miscarriage'. You may have vaginal bleeding or lower abdominal pain.

Although these symptoms don’t always mean you’ll miscarry, if you experience them, you should seek immediate medical advice.

A threatened miscarriage can lead to a complete miscarriage, where the foetus, placenta and gestational sac are expelled, or an incomplete miscarriage, where they’re only partially expelled. Every type of miscarriage will require medical attention. 

Common causes of miscarriage

In many cases, a miscarriage occurs for reasons that are completely beyond your control. This could be because the baby hasn't developed properly or there are other problems with the pregnancy.

This includes ectopic pregnancy, where the embryo implants outside the uterus. According to Pregnancy, Birth & Baby, symptoms may include extreme abdominal pain, vaginal bleeding, vomiting or pain in the tip of one shoulder. Left untreated, an ectopic pregnancy can be potentially life-threatening.

A molar pregnancy is when the fertilised egg doesn't grow properly. In full molar pregnancy, this means the foetus will not develop at all, while in partial molar pregnancy it won’t develop sufficiently to survive, Pregnancy, Birth & Baby explains. Since all the symptoms of pregnancy are there, a molar pregnancy is often only picked up at the 12-week scan.

Regardless of the cause, the pain of losing a baby can be extreme. In Rachel’s case, the miscarriage came as a shock and led her to worry about future pregnancies.

“I was devastated,” she says. “I hadn’t experienced any real sense of grief in my life at that stage and it was a very difficult time. Over the following weeks and months, that grief turned to fear. What if I couldn’t carry a child? What if I didn’t fall pregnant again? What if I miscarried again? My obstetrician, while very caring, was quite pragmatic, but I was caught in a wave of emotions and couldn’t be in that realistic mindset.”

Treatment for miscarriage

Unfortunately, little can be done to prevent a miscarriage once it has begun. The treatment options available to you will likely then depend on your health and the type of miscarriage.

The Royal Women's Hospital states that one form of treatment is known as expectant management or ‘watch and wait’, where you choose to wait for the pregnancy tissue to pass from the womb naturally. Medicine is also available in some cases, which can speed up the process of passing the pregnancy tissue.

You may need, or choose, to have a medical procedure called a D&C (dilatation and curettage). This is usually performed in an operating theatre under general anaesthetic.

Getting help for coping with miscarriage

It’s important to give yourself time to grieve, and to reach out for support if needed. There are many sources of support for expectant mums, and their partners, who can sometimes feel a little overlooked. Organisations like The Pink Elephants support network and Sands can provide emotional care along with practical advice, education and support.

“I think some women suffer feelings of immense grief in silence, perhaps because they’re simply not able to, or feel uncomfortable, verbalising their feelings,” says Rachel, who now works as a volunteer parent supporter for Sands.

“I think we’re often expected to ‘get over it’ or ‘move on’ because ‘it just wasn’t meant to be’. These comments can come from a loving place but can feel incredibly painful for a mum who has lost a baby," she adds.

“Most times, that mum had been thinking about, planning and visualising how her life would be, and how her baby would be since that positive test result. Suddenly, she could be immersed in feelings of guilt, despair, sadness, or even relief. It’s such a difficult time.”

Rachel had two healthy daughters after her miscarriage, but experienced tragedy again in 2013 when her third daughter was stillborn. She decided to become a support worker to help those with similar experiences, and went on to have another healthy girl.

“I wanted to find a way to bring some positives from such a devastating period in my life,” she says. “I had previously used the Sands hotline, and started making some enquiries around becoming a volunteer parent supporter. I felt that if I could offer someone else the level of support and understanding I had, then it would be a comfort to me.

“I’ve always been lucky to have incredible support but feel there is something reassuring about having the option to talk to someone confidentially, who you don’t know. To be able to say things, express feelings, tell your story. Sometimes there are things that you wouldn’t be comfortable saying to people within your personal support network and I find the peer-to-peer model that Sands use to be amazing for that.”

Watch more personal stories of parents who’ve lost a baby before, or shortly after, birth. In these videos, parents talk about their experience of miscarriage, and how they worked through their grief.

After your miscarriage, you may need to take some time to physically recover and to care for your wellbeing. This might mean taking leave from your work.

Under the Australian Federal Government Fair Work Act, you're entitled to bereavement leave if you or your partner have had a pregnancy loss. Speak to your employer or human resources representatives about what support options are in place for employees who have had a pregnancy loss.

Extra support

Experiencing a miscarriage can take a serious toll on your mental wellbeing, and you or your partner may benefit from some extra support.

• Miscarriage Australia has resources about what to expect physically and emotionally after miscarriage.
• SANDS has a 24-hour miscarriage and stillbirth support line available on 1300 072 637.
• NSW health has a booklet about miscarriage in many community languages.
• The Pink Elephants provide information and peer-support for anyone impacted by early pregnancy loss.

If you prefer to speak to a psychologist, HCF is offering all eligible members access to an annual HealthyMinds Check-in. HCF’s HealthyMinds Check-in^* gives you easy access to a telehealth consultation with a PSYCH2U psychologist who can refer you for further assistance and treatment.