How to be a supportive pregnancy partner

Updated January 2024 | 6 min read
Expert contributor Dr Justin Coulson, parenting expert 
Words by Fran Molloy

Being a supportive pregnancy partner is important. We get some expert advice – plus firsthand insights – on how to prepare for the many different emotions you may both face during pregnancy and post-birth.

For some parents-to-be, two lines appearing on a home pregnancy test spark feelings of euphoria and giddy excitement, while others react with panic and anxiousness.

Parenting expert, Dr Justin Coulson, says it’s important that the expecting couple understand and embrace the fact that they’re going through this journey together and both have important roles to play during pregnancy, labour and post-birth.

How to support your partner during pregnancy

Pregnancy can bring changes to your relationship, especially when you're having your first baby. It’s common for couples to argue at the start, due to the big adjustment. Though, it’s important to remember to work as a team and have open communication by:

• talking to each other about your feelings, the positives and the negatives
• talking about your hopes and dreams for the future and the traditions that are important to you
• talking about your parenting styles and, if your styles are different, negotiating and compromising together
• being honest about your sexual needs.

You can also be a supportive pregnancy partner by changing the language used around pregnancy to help you and your partner feel connected and supported.

“Using inclusive language like ‘we’ or ‘us’ helps let partners and future mothers develop a strong sense that the pregnancy is a collaboration made stronger through teamwork,” says Dr Coulson.

According to Pregnancy, Birth & Baby, practical ways to support your partner during pregnancy may include:

• attending antenatal classes as a couple
• getting help with managing your money if you're worried about the cost of having a baby
• talking about practicalities, like how you'll make time for yourself and your partner, and how you'll share household tasks now and after the baby is born.

Supporting your partner during labour

Your partner will need you most when they’re in labour, so the better prepared you are, the easier the both of you are likely to find the birth.

Before your partner goes into labour, you should educate yourself on the process by talking to other parents, watching videos, reading books or articles, and attending antenatal classes together. It’s also a good idea to discuss a birth plan together so you’re clear on your partner’s expectations of you during and after labour. It’ll also help you understand what she wants during the process.

During the birth, your role may involve giving emotional and physical support and encouragement by reminding her to breathe slowly, massaging her and helping her to get more comfortable. Also, you may like to think ahead about practical issues like packing swimwear if you’re planning a water birth, agreeing who’ll cut the umbilical cord or if you want to take photos.

Knowing your feelings are valid too

We often hear that depression and anxiety linked to pregnancy can affect mothers. But it’s not always easy for partners either.

Some partners may feel left out during the pregnancy. Others may experience a range of emotions like concern for the mum, stress about finances, or worry about the impact of the baby on your relationship and lifestyle.

During pregnancy and early parenthood, partners can also experience depression and anxiety.

Research conducted by Beyond Blue shows that 1 in 10 fathers experience postnatal depression after having a baby, for a range of reasons.

Depression and anxiety may be more common in partners who have:

• experienced anxiety and depression before
• a partner who’s experiencing pre or postnatal depression
• low self-esteem
• a lack of social, practical or emotional support
• a lack of sleep
• had a negative or difficult birth
• current or past experience with drugs or alcohol
• a sick or unsettled baby
• struggled to adapt to the reality of parenting
• major life and relationship difficulties, past and present.

Dr Coulson advises both expectant parents to adopt a range of strategies to help with the increased financial, psychological, physical and emotional pressures that come with pregnancy. “Most importantly, make sure your relationship is good and your communication is strong,” he says.

If you or your partner experience two or more of the following symptoms for longer than two weeks, you should seek help from your GP.

• Racing heart
• Palpitations
• Shortness of breath
• Shaking
• Feeling physically ‘detached’
• Obsessive or compulsive behaviours
• Abrupt mood swings
• Feeling constantly sad or low
• Crying for no obvious reason
• Persistent or generalised worry about the health or wellbeing of your baby

If you need to talk to someone, call Beyond Blue on 1300 224 636 or Lifeline on 13 11 14. The PANDA National Perinatal Mental Health Helpline is also available to help on 1300 726 306 between 9am and 7.30pm (AEST/AEDT).

Working together to set realistic expectations of parenthood

You may be putting pressure on yourself to be strong all the time or for your family to have it all together, but it may be time to adjust your expectations.

“Don’t expect a magazine-perfect or Instagram-worthy pregnancy. Be realistic and don’t assume everything will be perfect,” Dr Coulson says.

“If challenges do arise – and they’re bound to – frame them in a much bigger, long-term picture.”

To help set realistic expectations, you may consider:

• getting to know your child as an individual
• knowing that every baby is different
• remembering that all babies cry
• recognising that all parents feel frustrated sometimes
• having a support system to help you and your partner transition into parenthood.

A partner's perspective on pregnancy

We speak to two partners about their transition into parenthood.

Different perspectives

Bronwyn Robinson and her wife Tracey have lived the pregnancy experience from both perspectives. Tracey carried their first child and three years later, she took on the partnering role during Bronwyn’s pregnancy.

“I think this gave us a really unique understanding of what we each went through, both as partners as well as the one carrying the baby,” says Robinson.

She says that experiencing both roles also allowed them to be more empathetic with each other, especially during challenging times.

“We were a bit unsure about things when Tracey was pregnant and sometimes it was really tough,” she says. “But afterwards, when I was pregnant, we’d look at each other and know exactly what each other was feeling.”

Bronwyn says that this was important, as it helped them talk openly and honestly about what they were going through and that brought them closer together as a family.

The job of taking care of the family

While a first pregnancy can be daunting, second time dad-to-be Adam Newman says that partnering with his wife Michelle through another pregnancy has had its challenges.

“On one hand, you’ve been through it before and you generally know what to expect. But now you’ve got to ramp up the care of your first child,” he says.

The second-time around with a toddler in tow can be exhausting, so things like taking your first child out to give mum an afternoon sleep can make a huge difference.

Adam believes a good pregnancy partner takes on the ultimate support role, coach and cheer squad. “It’s undoubtedly a busy and hectic time but you do anything and everything that is required,” he says. “Always keep a smile on your face and never let your wife forget she’s beautiful.

“Partners might feel it’s a bit taxing, but ultimately we get the easy bit.”

Mental health and wellbeing support

To support you with faster, easier access to qualified mental health professionals, we’re offering eligible members a free telehealth HealthyMinds Check-in with a PSYCH2U psychologist^*.

If you’re worried about your mental wellbeing and need a mental healthcare plan, your GP is a great place to start. Our partnership with GP2U, an online video GP service, makes it easier for eligible members to access telehealth services. All HCF members with health cover can access a standard GP consultation (up to 10 minutes) for a fee of $50.