Managing the mental load of family life

Updated October 2022 | 5 min read
Expert contributor Lydia Black, psychologist at PSYCH2U
Words by Rachel Smith

Feeling stressed and overwhelmed by the mental load that comes with family life? Here’s how to set boundaries and keep things running efficiently.

Many parents can feel like they’re weighed down by the endless to-do list. Put the washing on or there’ll be no clean uniforms tomorrow. We need more lunchbox snacks. Buy that birthday present. Is it library day tomorrow? Book the dentist. Defrost the chicken for dinner. Fold the washing.

There’s even a name for it: the mental load. And it can be a big barrier to creating any kind of balance between work and family life.

Studies show that women often carry a greater mental load, and the bulk of unpaid care typically falls to working women. 

And if you’re the parent who usually keeps everything ticking over, it’s important to be reminded that the juggle and putting yourself last can affect your mental health.

“What’s really important is this concept of ‘good enough parenting’,” says PSYCH2U psychologist Lydia Black. “It’s an actual therapeutic approach we use with new mums who are under a lot of pressure and trying to be perfect and get everything right, but it applies across the board,” she explains.

“The aim is to do just enough to keep everybody happy, safe, comfortable and well fed – and not the ‘perfect’ version of that.”

Creating boundaries with your family

Sometimes, work-life balance can feel so out of reach that for many women in this position, it’s just easier to keep pushing through the stress, Lydia explains.

“The mental load comes up a lot when you talk [to parents] about what they’re managing and juggling,” she explains. “There’s that notion that, as a parent, and especially as a mum, we’re responsible for keeping everyone happy. We’ve got to keep the show on the road. But in carrying the mental load for everyone I don’t think we’re doing our kids or our partners any favours.”

What if you do hit the wall?

It’ll probably come as no surprise that carrying the mental load for your family is partly fuelling increasing rates of anxiety and depression.

The 2020 Jean Hailes annual Women’s Health Survey found one in three Aussie women had symptoms of anxiety and one in four reported feeling depressed, as many of us were home-schooling on top of working or dealing with the stress of job loss and financial strain.

If we look back to 2018, 67% of women in the same survey reported feeling nervous, anxious or on edge nearly every day or on more than seven days in the previous month. And more than 33% said they didn’t get any time for themselves on a weekly basis.

"That’s not great, however you try to look at it," says Lydia.

“I think as parents we can become very busy prioritising everyone else’s emotional needs – and [even if we’re struggling] we’ll still get out of bed, make the lunches, get everyone to school.

“We’ll go through the motions because otherwise stuff doesn’t happen and then all hell breaks loose. But we all have to listen to that internal voice and not push it to the side or discount it; you’re allowed to have feelings too and if you’re not feeling like yourself it’s time to reach out and ask for help,” she says.

Ways to improve your work-life balance

Here are Lydia’s strategies for improving your work-life balance:

• Workshop strategies to share the load. “That might be a calendar on the fridge or a list of practical tasks that need to get done which you split among family members. This is good modelling to our kids as well [about running a household].”
• Be open about your needs. “If you have a co-parent, communicate your needs and take turns for things like sleep-ins or taking time out when you can. It’s ok to say, ‘I need time for me so I’m stepping away from this; you guys can support each other’.”
• Lower the bar. “This might involve sitting down as a family and checking on what matters most to you and your family – and cutting out the extra stuff. Could you scale activities back? Not schedule in so much that everyone’s frantic? Ask ‘What do we care about and how can we find a happy medium somewhere in the middle?’”
• If you’re a single parent create a solid support network. “Solo parenting can be really difficult so asking for help is important – but also, many single parents may find the decision-making side of things easier, because you don’t have to consult anyone. The buck stops with you and that can be empowering.”
  

Want to hear more about coping with the mental load? Listen to our Navigating Parenthood podcast, where season three host Jessica Rowe chats to Lydia about imperfect parenting and managing the mental load.

Mental health and wellbeing support

We're trying to make it as easy and fast as possible for you to access the mental wellbeing support you need. PSYCH2U mental wellbeing services are unique to HCF, offering eligible HCF members^* access to online video consultations with a psychologist and a comprehensive mental health support program that provides customised care through online, telehealth and chronic disease management programs.

HCF members also have access to online GP consultations through GP2U. If you’re worried about your mental wellbeing and need a mental healthcare plan, GP2U is a great place to start. All HCF members with health cover can access a GP consultation (up to 10 minutes) for a fee of $50.

Where to find more mental health help:

• Beyond Blue
• Headspace
• ReachOut Australia
• SANE Australia

If you're struggling with depression or anxiety, and need to speak to someone now, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.