How to talk to your teenager about tough topics

Updated January 2025 | 9 min read
Expert contributors Linda Opie, Head of Health and Wellbeing at HCF; Rachel Tomlinson, registered psychologist; Sophie Smith, developmental clinical psychologist; Matt March, Guiding Rural Outback Wellbeing program manager at the Royal Flying Doctor Service
Words by Sabrina Rogers-Anderson

Addressing tough topics such as bullying, social media, depression and suicide with your teen can be daunting. Our expert advice will help you give them the support they need.

Being a teenager inherently comes with periods of stress and anxiety. Not only is a teen’s body changing, but their brain is still developing, so dealing with issues like bullying, social media and body image can be challenging.

It’s not surprising new research by HCF has found that nearly one in two Australian parents has worried about their teenagers’ mental health in the past year and is seeking strategies to help their adolescents through this life stage.

“Parents are witnessing firsthand the emotional toll of the growing pressure teenagers face, from academic stress and social media influences to the long-term effects of the pandemic,” says Linda Opie, Head of Health and Wellbeing at HCF. 

As parents, we want to be there to help and support our teens, but not always knowing the best way to do that can cause anxiety. However, it’s not all bad news, says psychologist Rachel Tomlinson.

“While it’s easy to worry that our teenagers are struggling, the rise in teen mental health issues also reflects the fact that it’s becoming more acceptable and less stigmatising to express our feelings, talk about mental health and seek therapy or support,” she says.

How the teenage brain copes with big changes and trauma

While some teens manage big life events and changes with relative ease, many can struggle. It depends on their innate resilience, personality type, coping style and the support they have around them, says Rachel.

“Teens are still developing their sense of self, so they may be susceptible to struggling post change or a traumatic event,” she says. “This could be because their innate sense of safety and security is undermined, and it can either change how they view themselves or the world and people around them.”

One of the challenges, explains Rachel, is the prefrontal cortex doesn’t finish developing until the late teens or early 20s. This is the part of the brain that’s responsible for logic and reasoning, and it's essentially the ‘brake’ system for the brain.

“Because their prefrontal cortexes are underdeveloped, teens are likely to respond to things reactively, with strong emotions and little ability to problem-solve or make good choices in the moment,” she says.

What are the main issues and pressures teenagers face today?

While teenage angst is nothing new, Rachel says this current generation of young people is facing challenges that previous generations just didn’t have to worry about.

“They’re exposed to more information than any generation before them via technology and social media, and they aren’t necessarily equipped to navigate it,” she explains.

A recent survey found that 30% of Australian teenagers aged 15 to 19 described themselves as extremely or very concerned about coping with stress, and 22% described themselves as having high psychological distress. The same survey found the biggest health-related challenges for this age group were the factors below.

• School-related challenges, including high workload, academic pressures, bullying and social pressures, moving schools, challenges with teachers and learning difficulties.
• Mental health challenges including body image, eating disorders, stress, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and self-harm.
• Relationship challenges with new friend groups, family conflict, including lack of support. 

In rural and remote Australia, one of the main stressors for teenagers is isolation, says Matt March from the Royal Flying Doctor Service (RFDS).

As program manager for the Guiding Rural Outback Wellbeing (GROW) program, which supports the mental health and wellbeing of school students across Western NSW, he sees the effects of isolation on a daily basis.

“And it's not just that physical isolation that comes from living remotely, it's a challenge for a lot of kids to maintain their social network. There's still a lot of communities that don't have great bandwidth in order to be online in a meaningful way,” says Matt.

Evidence shows that during those formative years it's important to be exposed to positive social circles and friendship networks.

To combat this, through the GROW program, Matt and his colleagues can help at-risk teenagers grow food for their school and learn about healthy life choices in social environments.

“They also get this sense of being valued as part of that team with roles and responsibilities,” explains Matt. 

The results so far have been encouraging with many of his students showing an increase in their resilience and mood, and an improved attendance at school.

“The biggest thing I’ve learned through this program, and as a father of three, is that young people need to feel heard and to feel that there's a genuine sense of someone valuing them as a person,” he says.

What are the signs that you should seek help for your teenager?

While some of the following behaviours can be a normal part of teen development when they happen independently and gradually, developmental clinical psychologist Sophie Smith says parents should take note if one or more of these behaviours happen simultaneously and have an impact on their teenager’s daily functioning.

Signs and symptoms of teen behavioural health and mental health issues may include:

• losing interest in activities they used to love
• withdrawing from social interactions with friends
• changes to eating and sleeping patterns (more or less than usual)
• not being able to wind down or relax
• avoiding school
• physical symptoms, including headaches, tummy aches, sore muscles, heart beating fast and/or difficulty breathing
• being teary and unwilling to talk about it
• concealing their arms and legs (which could be indicative of self-harm).

How to talk to your teen about tough topics

There are several ways to constructively raise issues with your teenager and increase your chances of having a successful and supportive conversation.

Find the right place for a discussion: “Create space in the day where your teenager will feel comfortable sharing without feeling like they’re being grilled with 20 questions,” says Sophie. “You're far better off not being face to face. A great moment is when they’re in bed at night and you go in to say goodnight. You can both lie there and stare at the ceiling and chat.”

Pick a time to address the issue: “Ask your teen when it’s a good time to discuss the issue in more detail,” advises Sophie.

Listen and share: “Be open to listening actively and sharing your own experience,” says Sophie. “You can let them know what it was like for you and try to be very vulnerable about what you didn’t handle well or what you could have done differently. It doesn't always have to sound like a squeaky clean, instructive conversation.”

Be empathetic: “Parents often approach issues with too much sympathy because they want to protect their children and fix the problem, but what kids really need is empathy,” Sophie explains. “That’s saying, ‘I'm here, I'm deeply caring about what you're saying, and that really sucks’. There isn’t always a quick fix.”

Manage your emotions: “You might feel distressed about what they’re telling you,” says Sophie, “but it’s important to manage your own emotions – even if you have to fake it!”

6 ways to start the conversation with your teen

Although talking to teenagers can be tricky to navigate, making the first move is a really important step. “If you feel like something isn't right, trust your gut and start a conversation,” says Rachel.

Scenario #1: They’re part of a toxic friendship

How to raise the topic: “Don’t rush in to put down the person who is being toxic,” says Rachel. “Sometimes our teens can feel defensive when we do this, particularly if they want to be liked by this person. They’re also pushing their need for independence and won't take kindly to you saying, ‘Don't be friends with them’. Instead, have conversations about boundaries and respect.”

Try saying this: "I've noticed you’ve been talking about [name] and how they’re doing [behaviour]. I wanted to check in and see how you’re feeling about that?” You could follow up with a check-in to ask them about respect and boundaries. “It's important that you feel like your relationships are mutually respectful and you deserve to have people in your world who care about you. I've been a bit worried about some of the things you say about how [name] treats you. Have you thought about how you might address it? Is there anything I can do to help?”

Scenario #2: They’re being bullied in person and/or online

How to raise the topic: “Ask how they feel and get them to help you problem-solve rather than jumping in to fix the issue,” says Rachel. “Sometimes, the way grown-ups want to react can cause more worries or stress for our kids. That being said, if the bullying is threatening or you’re concerned for their safety, it's important to react with appropriate measures.”

Try saying this: “I'm so glad you told me; it's not okay for people to treat you this way. I don't want to jump in and take over, so I'm keen to hear what you think about next steps and how we resolve this. It's okay if you don't know what to do – I can make some suggestions and we can figure out the next steps together.”

Scenario #3: They’re facing a big life change (like starting high school)

How to raise the topic: “Ask questions about how they’re feeling about the transition without making assumptions,” suggests Rachel. “Create an opportunity for openness and vulnerability and let them know you want to help them in a way that's meaningful for them.”

Try saying this: “Hey, I want to check in around how you’re feeling about [the new situation]. It would be nice to go for a walk [or insert another activity] this week and I'd love to hear how you’re feeling. Moving from primary to high school is a big change, and it’s going to feel uncomfortable for a little while, but it’s also a really exciting time. Maybe we can talk about some of the great things you’ll experience, too?”

Scenario #4: They’re feeling pressure from social media

How to raise the topic: “Teens really want and need to engage with their peers socially,” says Rachel. “Their social development is key at this age, so taking away or minimising social media access might not be possible, especially now the Australian Government has banned children aged under 16 from using platforms like TikTok, Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook. [The ban comes into place at the end of 2025]. This is obviously influenced by the age of your teen, but nevertheless we need to support our teens to navigate social media in healthy and adaptive ways.”

Try saying this: “I noticed you’ve been making a lot of comparisons or talking negatively about yourself [adapt as appropriate]. It seems like this is happening after you’ve been online. I'd like to talk it through to understand how it makes you feel. Do you know how to tell what's real and what's not? Can we talk about ways to make sure your social media feed is full of stuff that makes you feel good instead?”

Scenario #5: They seem sad and have changed their habits 

How to raise the topic: “When it comes to general mental health topics, name what you’re seeing or have noticed, check their understanding of the mental health condition you might be worried about and then offer support,” says Rachel.

Try saying this: “I've noticed your mood seems to have changed recently and [insert behaviour, like sleeping a lot]. Have you noticed this too? What do you think might be happening and what do you know about [anxiety/depression etc]. It's alright if you aren't sure, and we don't need to label things. I just want to understand what's going on so we can talk about getting you the right support,” says Rachel.

Scenario #6: You’re worried about them hurting themselves

How to raise the topic: “First, don't avoid talking about this,” Rachel advises. “Many people worry that asking about mental health, specifically suicide or self-harm, will make things worse or increase the chance of self-harm or suicide. It's just not true. We need to ask direct questions in order to get direct answers that we can respond to appropriately.”

Try saying this: “I've noticed you seem really down lately and you’ve said some things that have made me worried about you. This might seem like it's coming out of nowhere, but I have to ask because you feeling safe is my priority. I also want you to know it's okay if you say yes or no. I won't judge; I just want to help you. Are you thinking about hurting yourself?” says Rachel.

Where to get help for your teen

Here are some resources to get the information and support you need for your teenager.

• Your GP
• A psychologist who specialises in adolescents
• Headspace on 1800 650 890 – mental health support for young people
• Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 – a confidential phone and online counselling service for young people
• Beyond Blue on 1300 22 46 36 – mental health support for all ages
• Lifeline on 13 11 14 – suicide prevention and crisis support service
• National emergency number – call 000 without delay if your child’s life is in danger

More support for families

We know tweens and teens go through big changes and can benefit from support to develop positive mental health habits. That’s why we expanded our partnership with PSYCH2U to include specially trained psychologists to address challenges specific to those aged 12 to 17. Whether it's navigating school stress, social challenges or general mental health concerns, our dedicated professionals are here to help teens thrive. Book in a free HealthyMinds Check-in for your teen* today.

Need extra support with your kids in primary school? Calm Kid Central is an online educational and support program for parents and kids aged 4 to 11 with big feelings and emotional challenges. The online courses, games, video lessons and activities help children understand and manage their feelings, act in positive ways, develop good friendships and manage challenging life situations. Eligible HCF members^{^} with health cover with a child aged between 4 and 11 years old on their policy can access a 12-month subscription to Calm Kid Central for free.